Smiling Depression

Social media sometimes can mask what is actually going on in peoples lives and through their heads. Instagram is guilty of allowing people to show their followers only what they want them to see, even though that may not be an accurate perception of reality. People post highlights of their lives, appearing happy 24/7, showcasing themselves in the best light, even though in reality that light may be pretty bleak. I heard the term smiling depression a while back, referring to when individuals with depression mask their symptoms, they hide behind a smile to convince others that they are happy. I think that it is applicable to most mental health problems. I often find myself guilty of smiling anxiety.

I think I have also been guilty of presenting myself purely in a positive light on my Instagram account. Many people have messaged me how do you stay so positive with prolapse and how do you remain happy all the time. And if you want to know the brutal truth and actual reality is that I don't. Some days I am so fed up, so angry and want to randomly cry for no reason. I want to be one of those accounts that presents my life for face value, the highs the lows, the shit times and the good times. Because that is what life is, its full of ups and down and unpredictability. But we need those highs and lows to grow as individuals. And it is totally okay not to feel 100% all the time, I know I don't. But you know what that is okay. It's okay not to be okay as long as you don't completely give up. If today isn't your day, then there is always tomorrow.

My journey with anxiety and depression started about 2 years ago.

I have suffered from anaemia for quite a few years and around 2 years ago, I was starting to feel exceptionally tired again. I couldn't seem to motivate myself to get out of bed, I would sleep for 11 hours at night, which usually consisted of going to bed at 9pm. Then, I finally brought myself to book an appointment with the doctor and see if my anemia had returned again. However, to my confusion, the blood tests came back all clear. I didn't have anemia. The doctor then asked me, have you ever felt tearful. I sat there in the doctors appointment and burst into tears. I felt so miserable about everything I was doing, I had no motivation to do anything, I felt so isolated and alone even though I was surrounded by people. The doctor suggested that I started therapy and that I was suffering from depression and anxiety. I walked out of the doctor's appointment feeling like a dark cloud was over me. I subsequently started therapy but found it far from useful as I had to take a bus late at night to the therapist's house, which made me even more depressed. My therapist thought that my depression was caused by a cause of tragic life events that had catalysed and occurred one after the other. My close friend had just tried to commit suicide and my other close friend was just diagnosed with cancer.

At the time, I lived with my friends, and I remember I felt so scared and isolated from them that I couldn't even bring myself to sit with them in the kitchen. I felt for some reason that they all hated me and that I needed to be invited to the kitchen to eat with them. I spent nights on end distancing myself and isolating myself eating my dinner alone in my room blasting Eminem on my headphones. Which is why to this day I cannot listen to his songs anymore. I felt like nobody could comprehend how I was feeling and I couldn't put it into words to explain. I just studied days on end in the library, wake up, go to the library, get back and go to sleep. That was my cycle for months on end. I feel bad now looking back on it how I pushed my closest friends away and how I chose not to open up to them. I wish I could take back the hurt I caused or maybe tried to explain to them how I was feeling. But I just felt like I couldn't put it into words.

I then went off on my year abroad to Denmark, and I feel like it was everything I ever needed. I began to see perspective on my relationship and broke up with the guy when I realised I was putting in way more than I was getting back. I grew more confident in myself. I began to love myself and my life.

Yet when I returned to University, my anxiety somehow came flooding back. Sometimes I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff and if I fall off, I will fall back in the way I was feeling 2 years ago. I feel like I am almost on the edge slowly getting closer and closer until finally one day I will take one step too far and I can't climb back up. Although I don't think I have depression anymore and that dark cloud that hovered over me once has definitely subsided I still feel really anxious. My brain feels like it has 100 tabs open 24/7. What are they thinking of me? Are they laughing at me? Do they all hate me? Am I too selfish? My mind races with questions, which anxious thoughts. I am dedicated to making people like me and lost when they do not. Anxiety isn't just psychological. I also experience physical emotions such as throwing up after I eat or feeling as if something is stuck in my throat. Although I am relieved to say I feel nowhere as near as bad as I did two years ago, yet I always have that constant feeling as if that dark cloud that once hovered over me is going to come racing back and this time it will stick.

I am not saying all this to make you feel sorry for me. I am saying this because I want you to know we all aren't perfect. We are all going through shit, figuring out shit and smiling through it. There is more than what you see to an Instagram post, there is more to the story. Pictures capture a moment in time they don't tell the whole and true story. So although I may be smiling maybe that's just smiling depression or maybe I am just trying to convince myself as much as I am trying to convince you.

It's okay to not be okay.

It shows strength to admit that.

"You'll get through this. And I know it's impossible to believe right now, but it gets better. Trust me".